Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Fundamental Firsts Of Dating

When you begin dating someone and they turn out to be a person you’d like to see regularly, there will likely be some significant firsts in your relationship that you’ll need to be prepared for.  Following is a list of some of the major hurdles along with sage advice for dealing with the situation.

Upchucking For The First Time

In the normal course of any relationship, eventually your partner is going to end up drinking too much and vomiting. This will pretty much happen in every relationship. If you see that your date is going to upchuck, then give them the space that they need. Preferably position them over a toilet or other adequately sized container, and then wet down a washcloth. A glass of cold water will also help in the aftermath. If they have long hair, then hold it back for them so they do not get barf all over it. Also, they will need to clean up a bit afterwards. Hopefully you have a few extra toothbrushes available. If not, then give them yours. They will not mind, and you can always replace it. Buy several when you do. While you are at it, pick up some gaviscon. That is a sure fire way to settle an upset stomach so you can avoid repeat events later. Not a pleasant first, but now you’re prepared.

First Silent Sender In Bed

This can be a very delicate moment. If your partner is the guilty party, try not to make a big deal about it, and just remember that it is a sign that the relationship has just moved to an entirely new comfort zone. If the stink is overpowering, or if you suspect it might be, then just leave the room for a 'drink of water', while you are at it, take a pee. All of this will allow more time to pass so that the after effects are better dissipated. If it turns out that you are the perpetrator, then just say a polite,"Excuse Me." Do not try to blame it on any specific thing. Likely your partner already knows what you have been ingesting that night, and therefore can draw their own conclusions as to the reasons. Resist any temptation to push your partner’s head under the covers like you did to your little brother back when you were kids. Open a window for really bad silent senders.

First On Purpose Gas Blast

Once the first anal blast slips out, it is only a matter of time before you pass gas with gusto. In this particular case, even though you are with your partner, you go out of your way to let everybody within earshot know that you just passed gas. In a manner to what Mike Meyers did as 'Fat Bastard' in the movie 'Gold Member'. For this reason it can be referred to as the showmanship fart. This is a big sign of intimacy (and immaturity). If it is your partner who did it, then responding with a grin and even clapping would likely be well received. If you are blowing off your own gas, then you have to take a cue from your partner's reaction. If they look all weirded out, then apologize and tighten up your anal sphincter to avoid a repeat performance. If they grin, then give them your deepest bow.

First Pee While Showering

It is a given that as some point, one of you is going to have to use the toilet while the other is in the shower. That is of course providing that you only have one bathroom. If it’s your partner in the shower and you are in desperate need of using the toilet, simply announce your presence as you enter the bathroom and explain what is going on. Make sure that you tell them that you will not flush until they are finished.  PUT THE LID DOWN WHEN YOU ARE DONE.  If you are the one in the shower, then ask them not to flush, but be ready incase they do it out of force of habit. You might even ask them to join you when they are done so you can mutually wash each other. Very entertaining.

A Mouthful Of Morning Breath

This is a real glass is half empty/full moment. On the good side, they spent the night, which is always a good thing. The sex was amazing, and you both wake up smiling at the memory. At this point you are thinking that your "Kama Sutra For Dummies" book was the best investment that you have ever made. They lean in for a kiss and you get a whiff of morning breath. Ouch! Immediately your first reflexive reaction would be to pull away quickly. Don't do it! So hold your breath and say something endearing. Make sure that you do not breath out much while you are near them. Likely your mouth smells as bad as it tastes about now too. Get up and brush your teeth. Make them a peppermint tea. Have an extra toothbrush ready for them. If you are a real pro, you will keep a container of mints on the night table, or dresser beside the bed. Once they have the taste of peppermint in their mouth, get some afternoon delight!

Meeting Friends and Family

It is always a challenge the first time that you meet your partner's friends. They will all be checking you out to see if you are good enough for their pal. Some will be friendly, and some will be hostile Some will be on friendly terms with your partner's last beau and may still be secretly rooting for them to reconcile. You are an obstacle to that dream. Some of them will be secretly interested in your partner, and want you out of the picture altogether. With any luck, one of them may even have a biblical interest in you. This would be most fortunate if you are a guy and they are a MILF.

You have to behave like a Shito priest. Regardless of the provocation, you must be in control of your emotions and serene. To make it easier on yourself, spend most of your time with the ones who are overtly friendly to you. Any jokes that you tell should be similar to what others are telling. Never indulge in shocking them in any way. That means no escalation of whatever humor topic that they are on. The best practice is to keep your humor clean, and stay away from gross comments. Make sure that you kiss your partner publicly a few times to establish your bond to the others. Before you go, give yourself a drink target not to exceed. A good trick is to stay away from beer. It is hard to hide the fact that you are not really drinking with beer. Better to go with a simple mixed drink like a rum and coke. After you hit your drink limit, switch to straight coke and nobody is the wiser. Just make sure that you stay sober enough not to retaliate. Just remember to stay cool and go out of your way to turn the other cheek.

The Ex

Meeting your partners Ex for the first time can be dicey. This is especially tricky if they still have feelings for your partner. A one sided dumping of the Ex by your partner will almost certainly result in such a dilemma. You need to size up the situation quickly to see how to respond. They can be pleasant, or they can be surly. If they are being social, then respond similarly. Give the Ex and your partner some space so they can privately discuss anything that needs discussing. Before you back off though, make sure that your partner does not think you are abandoning them. A few feet is sufficient for privacy while still showing support. Across the room is abandonment If there is hostility or anger, never escalate. In this situation the best response is a tactful withdrawal. Nothing will be gained by confrontation. Calmly suggest to your partner that you both should leave, and then do so. Take them someplace where you can talk to them easily. Likely they will need to vent a bit after such a confrontation. The tactful withdrawal is the high road and that should always be followed. It is much more classy than a brawl! At this point, you can use your judgment and do a little innocuous slamming of the Ex. Stay away from personalities though. Best to just critique the clothes, the haircut, or the person that the Ex was with.

If it’s your ex you run into, the same rules apply. If your current partner sees that you can maintain a somewhat friendly relationship with your Ex, it is bonus points for you.  If you can maintain a good relationship with your Ex, then it gives you kudos points. If it turns out that your Ex is a bit of a nutcase, and / or hostile, then politely bug out. You do not want them blabbing about a bunch of stuff best left forgotten.

Eating Crackers In The Sack

This is not really that big an issue and your partner will likely join in with a little cajoling. It would be a relationship disaster if it turns out that “Crackers” is your pooch. In this case both of your relationships are going to the dogs!

The First Time You Are Caught In Flagrante Delicto With A Sexy Sensual Seagull

Sorry, but your relationship just ended. If you are lucky they will send you to the funny farm.

The First Time You Are Found Playing Tonsil Hockey With Your Ex

If your Ex and your current partner are up for a menage a trois, you might get away with it. Otherwise, you can kiss off your relationship. Walk away with as much dignity as you can muster.

For more fun but informative stories go to:
Fun Dating Advice


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