Friday, 30 December 2011

Summer Sex

Almost everyone who has dated in during the summer months has found themselves in the great outdoors, at some point, communing with nature. Whether that means camping or staying at a cottage, there will be many romantic moments as you enjoy yourself out in 'the wilds'. All the fresh air and sunsets are likely to boost your libido significantly, and get yourself and your partner in a sensual state of mind. On top of that, with the moon shining at night and millions of stars in the sky, you will likely find yourself braving the elements to go skinny-dipping. Invariably, at some point, the entire concept of outdoors sex will just happen. Sex can be a great thing of course, but there are some cautions that you should take before setting out on such sexual adventures.

Problem: Sex in a Dirty Environment

You have to remember that when you’re camping, you’re going to get dirty. All those nature hikes and long walks will cover you in dirt. When you start a fire, you’re going to get covered in ash and grime (at least if you do it like I do). Barbecues will inherently get some sauces and juices on you. And then there are the layers of bug spray and sun block you have on your skin. All together, you’re pretty damn gross by the time you head back to your tent for some “private” times. No woman wants to give oral sex to a gross, dirty penis. And no guy enjoys fondling a boob covered in slimy grime. The thrill will fade quickly.

Solution: Wash As Much As Possible

This is almost a catch 22 issue. Most parks have access to shower facilities, but sometimes these are overloaded, or sometimes you may not be close enough to avail ourselves of them. Go during off-peak hours when you’ll have some privacy – waiting until all the kids in the park are in bed is the perfect time to go. If you sneak in together, you can have a shower, and then shower sex together (likely though, unless you are in a same sex relationship, one of you will be busting into a facility meant for the opposite sex – maybe three in the morning would be better).

Problem:  Threes a Crowd

It doesn’t take an acoustics engineer to realize that the millimeter of nylon that comprises your tent wall won’t do much to keep your sex noises private. And since sound travels so well over water, even people on the other side of the lake will be able to hear what you sound like when you’re trying the Inverted Reverse Pile-driver. Even worse, if you’ve gone camping with friends and their kids, there are going to be a lot of questions in the morning about the strange noises they’ve heard.

 Solution: Really Long-g-g Nature Hikes

This one works like a charm, as long as you remember some basic safety tips. First, don’t go where there are bears. They can kill the mood and you’re partner. Second, don’t go at night – finding your way back in the dark when you’re brain has been scrambled by some hot sex is too difficult. Third, bring a blanket for comfort and to keep from getting grass and sand from getting in your various hairy parts. Tell other people in your campsite where you will be.  That way, if you are too exhausted after repeated sex and cannot make it back to the campsite, they can send the park rangers out for you.

Enjoy the Ride!

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